a little bit of me, being a lot like someone else

Hi,
That's how these things start, don't they? I mean, surely there is no other way to start?
Oh well. Unconventionalism may as well be my name; middle at least.

I don't know what this is entirely. What I want to gain from this. What I want to do for this. What I hope to become in this; from this. 

A little bit of me, is a lot like me, which would make sense, because I am...me. But another part of me, is, a lot like a persona, a façade, an idiosyncrasy, or whatever other fancy-pancy word you want to use. 
I live a life in which I function. Functionalism. It's a strange thing. A phenomenon almost. I don't know the exact definition, I can only draw upon my own experiences, feelings and emotions. Imagine living in a world where there was no colour, no music, nothing that brings joy, only the minimalist, essential things you need to survive. That's functionalism.

I used to imagine myself as a cool teenager. One that went to parties, and played loads of sports, and was a flourishing musician, and was popular, and had fun. I'm seventeen now and I can tell you, it never materialised.
The last party I went to was a friend's sixteenth where I played the awkward, third-wheeling, peace maker; I play netball, yet I train on an extremely irregular basis due to ongoing, premature, injuries and an unprecedented amount of school work; I play many instruments, although flourish is one step too far; I am the poor, pathetic, social outcast that sits in a corner...out of the way...on my own; I don't know how to have fun. no. That's a bit of a lie. I love to read. I love to play netball. I love to listen to music. I love to write music. But none of this brings the joy that I see other people revelling in. What is it? How do they find it? Why don't I have it? Why can't I find it?

So, here I am. Writing for you, or for nobody at all. I don't know, and to be honest, I don't mind. The prospect of having another platform on which I am judged, ridiculed and made to feel insignificant scares me, but the opportunity to explore experiences helps me hope that the joy that I know is out there, could be coming ever closer. Maybe, one day, I will be able to truly find it, and revel in it.



Until next time,

Unconventionalism xx