acceptance

Well, hello, again...

Acceptance. It's a funny thing really. I mean, who really knows what it truly means to 'accept' something. We always get told to 'accept' people for who they are, 'accept'  your own body, 'accept' the consequences of your actions. But I wonder what that means?

When I walked down the road, I was stared at, looked up and down, and was made to feel incredibly self conscious. Is that acceptance? 
Hashtags on Insta promoting weight loss, and clean eating. Is that acceptance?

I would love someone to write a book on what acceptance really is. Because I guarantee it would express it in a completely different way to you and I! 
That's the problem. It's personal, subjective. No one can define it, for everyone. It's like telling someone with colour blindness that the chair they see as red is most definitely orange and they are utterly stupid. No. They are not. That is THEIR opinion. And therefore, it is RIGHT! Just because you think it is orange, who's to say that it's not coral, or salmon pink, or crimson?

I think that if people were more open to difference, and less self-absorbed, then maybe this world could accept... well...that acceptance is purely personal. 

I wonder if anyone has ever pondered this as much as I have? Or if anyone has ever mulled it over at all? I could be classed as an individual in that respect. But would you accept that? It's funny, isn't it?

Think about it. If the world spent less time criticising, and more time accepting people's acceptance, well,  there'd certainly be less time to plan the next insult. Would there not?

I would love to be able to appreciate everything in the world. The beauty of  the fields. The buzz of the cities. The drifting of the clouds. But, I simply  don't. But it doesn't mean I do not accept it. It just means I don't appreciate it. 
If appreciation is knowing and acceptance is believing, then why can't we share a belief? Share an opinion? Join a community of appreciating, believing and knowing? Because then, are we not a community of accepting?

Think on it!! 

Til' next time, I'm going to continue appreciating in my own little unconventional way.

Unconventionalism xx

at least Mom still sees more than 'U'

Hiya, again.

Well I now only have 3 exams left. WoOop...
You didn't know that, nor were you probably bothered. So I'll just shut up about it, I guess...
Actually, no I won't. I think we all need to reveal the truth behind the ongoing pressure that is exams...

Exam stress is a nightmare, isn't it? I mean, I literally go to bed thinking about them. I wake up in the night thinking about them. I fall back to sleep, still thinking about them. I wake up for school, STILL thinking about them. It's no wonder I forgot to have a life.

Who really looks at a bad exam result and thinks, 'Okay, maybe they had a bad day that day? Maybe they don't deal with exam stress? What if they are not confident in exams? Maybe, just maybe, this person is actually amaaaazing at what they want to do, and just not that great at explaining why two atoms have to share their electrons in order to form covalent bonds so that they can form something new?' 
I'll tell you who. My Mom. Thanks Mom, I know it's not the end of the world; even though it is. Yes Mom, I know you still love me; even though no one else will love me and my 'U grade'. Okay Mom, I'll look at other options and pathways; even though THIS is what I wanted to do. 
Agree? I guess most parents do the same. I think they must sign something when you are born to always to say, even if you seriously screw your life up, there are 'always other ways' and they are 'still proud of you for trying'; 'As long as you try your best, that's all that matters'. Okay. Thanks. I think....

Don't get me wrong. I realise that there are far more important things in life than getting straight A's, but when, from the age of 5, your parents were told that you should be a straight A student, you sort of want to live up to that expectation. Not only that but everyone wants you to, too. Or at least some do. Some want to see you fail, just as much as a lion wants to see a gazelle fall right at the last minute. 
These people are the types that see only the grade. They only see the number on a clothes label. The number of likes on a picture. The number on a scale. The number of people that you walk round with in the corridor. But that is another issue, completely. 

I have always been one of those 'stress-head' types. I got worried for SATS and took teddies in with me for comfort! If only they had been there to help me through the rest of school. 
That is not a joke. Honestly. Just in case someone thought it was sarcasm, it really isn't. I took in my little 'Ducky' and 'Shnuggles' among some small Mcdonalds toys, if I remember rightly. Please don't judge me. I needed the reassurance. 

For anyone doing exams, it's stressful, but for the unfortunate souls that, like me, are cursed with perfectionism, it is a hella horrid period. I can only say from experience, hard work does, to a certain degree, pay off.  

I wonder if in 20 years I'll look back on my exams and be grateful for them? Will I loathe the education system for them? Will they have actually benefited me in any way?
I don't know. Maybe they will help me, maybe they won't. But right now, I have no chance of changing the fact I have to do them. 
I should really get back to revision now. I at least have to try and annoy those greedy mean lions that want me to be the gazelle...

For now,  goodbye.

Unconventionalism xx

a little bit of me, being a lot like someone else

Hi,
That's how these things start, don't they? I mean, surely there is no other way to start?
Oh well. Unconventionalism may as well be my name; middle at least.

I don't know what this is entirely. What I want to gain from this. What I want to do for this. What I hope to become in this; from this. 

A little bit of me, is a lot like me, which would make sense, because I am...me. But another part of me, is, a lot like a persona, a façade, an idiosyncrasy, or whatever other fancy-pancy word you want to use. 
I live a life in which I function. Functionalism. It's a strange thing. A phenomenon almost. I don't know the exact definition, I can only draw upon my own experiences, feelings and emotions. Imagine living in a world where there was no colour, no music, nothing that brings joy, only the minimalist, essential things you need to survive. That's functionalism.

I used to imagine myself as a cool teenager. One that went to parties, and played loads of sports, and was a flourishing musician, and was popular, and had fun. I'm seventeen now and I can tell you, it never materialised.
The last party I went to was a friend's sixteenth where I played the awkward, third-wheeling, peace maker; I play netball, yet I train on an extremely irregular basis due to ongoing, premature, injuries and an unprecedented amount of school work; I play many instruments, although flourish is one step too far; I am the poor, pathetic, social outcast that sits in a corner...out of the way...on my own; I don't know how to have fun. no. That's a bit of a lie. I love to read. I love to play netball. I love to listen to music. I love to write music. But none of this brings the joy that I see other people revelling in. What is it? How do they find it? Why don't I have it? Why can't I find it?

So, here I am. Writing for you, or for nobody at all. I don't know, and to be honest, I don't mind. The prospect of having another platform on which I am judged, ridiculed and made to feel insignificant scares me, but the opportunity to explore experiences helps me hope that the joy that I know is out there, could be coming ever closer. Maybe, one day, I will be able to truly find it, and revel in it.



Until next time,

Unconventionalism xx